Are Your Expectations of Christmas Wearing You Out?

What are your unwritten rules for Christmas, and are they draining you?

Most of us look forward to the Christmas break as a chance to rest, see the people we love, and come back to work refreshed.

As lawyers, we often arrive at the break already tired from a busy year-end, and with a picture in our heads of how it should go. That picture can put a lot of pressure on the experience.

This is true of any holiday, but Christmas comes with a few extras, from traditions and family gatherings, to gifts and the feeling that every day should be special.

What are your Christmas rules?

Many of us carry unspoken rules about what the break will be like. These rules often cover the following.

How much we will relax.

How much fun we will have.

How much work we will get done before the break.

How everyone will get along.

How romantic and loving our partners will be.

How ‘well behaved’ our kids, family, and friends will be.

How certain days or activities will go.

Do any of these sound familiar?

These rules are rarely spoken out loud, so the people around us often do not know they exist, let alone that they are falling short of them.

When the reality does not match the picture, we can end up disappointed, irritable, and more tired than when we started.

What can you do about it?

A good first step is noticing your own internal rules, and any expected traditions you resent. Then ask yourself whether any of them might need tweaking, relaxing, or letting go of.

Beyond that, here are four practical steps to consider over the festive period.

1. Tell people what is important to you, and why

We sometimes think people should know what is important to us, or assume that what is important to us is important to them too.

If romantic dinners and cuddles are important to you, share that, as your partner may have solitude in mind.

If opening presents together is your key family moment of Christmas, or you would like no phones at the table, share this in advance, along with why it matters to you.

Ask others to do the same, so you know what is important to them too.

2. Make space to do nothing, or for the things, or people, you enjoy

Make sure you have space to do nothing, or to do the things you enjoy. Let go of any guilt about not doing, or about having fun just for you.

It is interesting how many of us were taught that it is not okay to do nothing, or to have too much fun relaxing, and laughing.

Likewise, many of us feel we should spend time with people who drain or upset us, simply out of a sense of obligation, even when it leaves us with less of the rest we need or causes us distress.

3. Keep an eye on your boundaries

Keep an eye on your boundaries and the promises you have made to yourself. Where you need to, ask others for support.

This year it may be important to set new boundaries, keep to existing ones, or set clear expectations. I have written more about this, including how to set a boundary so it is heard as more than a preference, in Do you need to set some festive boundaries?

Sometimes it means having a tough conversation in advance. For example,

‘I love you, and I am looking forward to spending time with you. At the same time, when x happens, it causes me to feel y, and in future please z. I appreciate you may not have realised, and I know it is not intentional. I wanted to share this so we stay close and have a lovely day together.’

If you want support from someone else, be clear in your own mind about the details, and share what that support looks like for you. Invite them to suggest their own ways of supporting you too.

How you approach this will depend on the people involved. If someone is likely to react in a volatile way, or you feel unsafe with them, it is worth speaking to someone you trust or a professional for support before you raise anything.

4. Delegate clearly, then let it go

You may be responsible for delegating tasks over Christmas, and perhaps one of your goals for next year is to step back from always being in charge.

Either way, be very clear about what needs doing, the stages involved, and when it needs to be done by. Then, as much as you can, let it go.

It may help to remember a few things.

a) Someone else will not do it exactly the way you would.

b) You have a lot of experience, and they may need to do it a few more times before getting it right.

c) If you have always told them what to do and then micromanaged it, they have probably stopped thinking for themselves. People learn through their mistakes and by being in control of a task from start to finish.

d) Done is better than perfect. Agree with yourself what you will be content with, whether that is how something looks, some leeway on timing, how the dishwasher is stacked, or whatever it may be.

Be kind to yourself

Some of this is not easy, especially in emotionally charged situations, or if you have not had these kinds of conversations with each other before. It means stepping outside your comfort zone, and it is a learning process.

Pick the one or two steps that could make the biggest difference for you. Choose the ones where you feel able to handle the discomfort involved, and how others may respond. You may need to build your confidence through smaller changes first.

Be kind to yourself, and be kind to others. We often ask people to judge us by our intentions, and yet we judge others by their actions.

Does any step stand out for you?

Have a wonderful festive break. If you would like to shape your break even further, you can find Creating a Lovely Christmas (for you) here.

Simona