Setting boundaries as lawyers this festive season

Do you need to set some festive boundaries?

Do you often return to work in the New Year feeling frustrated, irritable, and as if you need a break? Do you have the same conversation with yourself every year, making a list of things you will do differently next year, and yet nothing changes?

As lawyers, many of us go into the Christmas break already exhausted from a busy year end. We then spend the break meeting everyone else’s expectations while expecting too much of ourselves at the same time, overdoing it, and coming back to work tired.

If you are also expecting a lot of yourself and of the break, you may find What are your unwritten rules for Christmas, and are they draining you? helpful too.

If that sounds familiar, now is a good time to rethink your boundaries and your approach to this festive break.

What are my boundaries?

Here are four common types of boundaries.

1. Time boundaries – we can often feel pressured to try to please and appease everyone, sometimes to our own detriment. Time boundaries are about deciding where your time is spent, with whom it is spent, and how it is spent. They can relate to work or home, and might cover activities, locations, whether you work over the break, and which groups of people you visit or who visit you. They also include the boundaries you set with yourself, such as how much you take on and when you stop.

2. Mental boundaries – in some situations, people will push a view or keep bringing up topics where views are unlikely to change, or that cause upset or irritation. Mental boundaries therefore include conversation topics, which may overlap with emotional boundaries. They also include traditions that may need revisiting, the mental workload expected of certain family members, and protecting the quiet time you have set aside when others challenge it, which also links to time boundaries above.

3. Emotional boundaries – these include topics or approaches that are upsetting to you, and you have every right to limit them. For example, conversations about sensitive subjects such as relationships, weight, or work. They might also include how other people treat you, such as their tone or humour, or how they treat each other in your presence. You may choose to tackle the topics (more below) or limit your time with the people involved (as covered above).

4. Physical boundaries – these might include your body (such as hugs), your home, your belongings, your need for rest and time alone, or other people’s boundaries, such as your children’s. They could cover having other people’s pets or children in your home, which rooms are off limits, or allowing your children to choose when or how to show affection to family.

Reflecting on those boundaries and situations, did one repeated situation or frustration immediately come to mind?

Why are my boundaries not being respected?

For many of us, when a boundary is not respected, it is because we have not clearly set it. Or we have shared it as a preference, and then not followed up, rather than setting a clear standard for how, and in what circumstances, we will spend our time with people.

Ideally, a preference would be respected as soon as we share it. A boundary goes a step further, because it makes clear what you need and sets out the consequence if the behaviour continues. For example, these may be heard as preferences rather than boundaries:

‘We may have differing views on this, but please speak to me in a respectful way.’

‘We will be spending three hours with you, and we also want to make sure we return to work well rested and have had some time alone.’

‘I would rather we did not discuss my relationships, thank you.’

However, if the behaviour is repeated, the boundary needs to be set more fully, with a consequence. Examples might include:

‘We may have differing views on this, but please speak to me in a respectful way. And if you continue to bring this up or speak to me in that way, I will not attend family events where you are present.’

‘We will be spending three hours with you, and we also want to make sure we return to work well rested and have had some time alone. And if you continue to put pressure on us to stay longer, in future I will not make arrangements to visit for this long.’

‘I would rather we did not discuss my relationships, thank you. And if you continue to ask, I will not have any further conversations with you today.’

A consequence only works if you are willing to follow it through, so choose one you would actually carry out. If the consequence you have in mind feels too big, a smaller first step might be one that applies in the moment, such as ending the conversation or leaving the room.

It is also easier to hold a boundary when you share it before the break rather than in the moment. If you are spending the break with a partner or family, it helps to agree your boundaries together first, so you are both saying the same thing. It also helps to say it calmly and once, without over-explaining or getting drawn into a debate.

It is up to you who you spend time with, so you may choose to spend less time with those who do not show respect and consideration for you and your needs.

If you feel unsafe with someone, setting a boundary may carry a risk, and it is worth speaking to someone you trust or a professional for support first.

What about clients and colleagues?

Even when we are focusing on life outside work, work can still follow us into the break. Clients and colleagues may expect a response while the office is closed, sometimes because they left it late to tackle something, despite being warned about the shutdown well in advance.

The same principle applies here. For example, these may be read as preferences rather than boundaries:

‘Our office will be closed from [date] to [date]. Please send us anything you need dealt with before the break by [date].’

‘I will be on leave from [date] and will not be checking emails.’

And these are clearer boundaries, because they set out what will happen:

‘Our office will be closed from [date] to [date]. Please send us anything you need dealt with before the break by [date]. Anything received after that date will be dealt with when we reopen on [date].’

‘I will be on leave from [date] and will not be checking emails. If anything urgent comes up, [name] will be covering, and everything else will be dealt with on my return.’

You may also choose to tell clients the date you have set aside to work on their matter, which gives them a clear reason to send what you need by then.

When a client has left something late despite the pre-warnings, it can be tempting to work through the break to rescue it. Some matters will be genuinely urgent. Before you step in, though, it may help to ask yourself whether this is one of them, or whether stepping in will teach the client that the shutdown does not really apply to them.

What do you want for your holiday period?

Many of us are already tired as we approach Christmas, with extra social events, clients wanting work completed by the 24th, organising gifts and plans, and more. With so many demands and expectations, it is often a good time to step back.

Around this time of year, I often ask clients to reflect on what their ideal holiday period would include if there were no traditions or expectations. How would the timings, gifts, family visits, and locations change?

If you would like to explore this in more depth, my article Creating a Lovely Christmas for You takes you through it step by step.

It may not be possible to change everything this year, but it can be a good time to explain the changes you would like to make in future years.

For now, consider which one boundary, at work or at home, would make the biggest difference to you this festive period. Even if it creates some stress now, would implementing it reduce stress in the years that follow? When we avoid conflict externally, we often end up with inner upset and conflict instead.

Let me know if you make a change and how it goes. You can reach me through my contact page. In the meantime, I wish you a peaceful rest of the year and a great start to the New Year.

P.S. If you already feel depleted, you may also find my article on the seven types of rest lawyers need helpful.